The Cool Kids at the Lunch Table

Even though I am quite in my twenties, have taught high school seniors, and experienced the highs and lows of being a vocalist, there are still situations of weird peer pressure. Ever felt it? And what is strange is that it is when certain people get together they seem to bring out a weird vibe with each other. When they start to talk with each other and you try to join in the conversation, suddenly you are no longer a friend but you get the "why are you talking to US" look. And I become my 15 year old self, all awkward and worried about what people think about me. Thinking about conversations and how I dressed and acted and self-conscious. And when the moment passes, I realise how stupid it is. I grew out of this! I know that people don't care about what I do, they care about what they do. My goal is, the next time the situation comes up, to focus on my own growth and to let the moment pass. In high school I didn't have a glimmer of that image till my senior year where I had an awesome set of friends and it didn't matter that we weren't the "cool kids at the lunch table". We laughed and had fun together being ourselves. Letting go of inhibitions and being Karen.

I need to get a life outside of the fictional

Okay, so Bree and Rachael could be the death of me...or at least of my masters degree! Since they have given me some fabulous books to read (most recently "Something Borrowed"), I have been up some nights till three a.m.! Not healthy. But I need to find out what is going to happen and I can't sleep until I know...just one more chapter turns into three chapters turns from 11 p.m. to 2 a.m. So today I find myself with about six hours of sleep and I woke up around 10. You do the math. And after doing no homework or practicing yesterday, my only day off this week, I have so much to do and no time to do it in! Regrets? Not many, I always somehow make things work. But this is the first time in years that I have spent so much time reading since my bookworm obsessed days before I hit puberty. I LOVED books, but I found it harder and harder to pleasure read when classes demanded that I read specific things. Anyone that grew up with hounding English teachers, in my case two years of AP English teachers, know what I am talking about.



In other news, I had a wonderful time with Evan in town and here is a pic of the (belated) V-day dinner. It was so nice to have him around and it seems like it was so long ago, though it was only a week. Meanwhile, I am trying to catch up on my class work. Sigh!

Also, I don't know if I will have a recital this spring or not. Things have gotten complicated and I don't know if I want to put in the effort to figure out what to do. I had a moment in my lesson where I told Jayne that I think I wouldn't do half the stuff that teachers tell me I will (i.e. "Oh, you're the perfect::insert role name::", "When you sing in ::insert oratorio:: at ::insert big location::") and she reminded me that wasn't her responsibility. Later I apologized for my behavior and I knew, and she reminded me, that she has lots of confidence in me and will help me all she can, but it ultimately up to me. Lessons with Jayne are so different than lessons with Lynn, or even Kati. But at this level, I have to be my own support system, which isn't easy for me. Two lessons this week. Wish me luck!

Walking in a Slushy Wonderland!

So yesterday was Valentine's Day and I had the night off in preparation for seeing Evan that evening. However, God "blessed" Cleveland with lot of snow (pics courtesy of Evan) and he was unable to fly out since both Cleveland and Akron/Canton airports closed down. So, I ended up alone of Black Wednesday and I took my energy and re-arranged my entire room. Later, Rachael and Bree's night activities got cancelled since Cambridge turned into a "giant slushy", as Bree so accurately noticed. I mean, there was a small "pond" that I had to cross at one point to get to the market and "thank the gods" that I had my waterproof snow boots on. When I got to Bree & Rachael's we had a delicious dinner of Chicken au Champagne, brown rice with sautéed mushrooms, and then a dessert of floating islands....mmmm! We watched Bones and then I left before the slush froze over too much. It really wasn't such a bad evening and I even got a yummy gift from Rachael (thanks!).

Evan flies in today (hopefully) and I will make steak in wine sauce, mashed chive & sour cream potatoes, broccoli with hollandaise sauce and a flourless chocolate cake made with Burdick’s dark chocolate....mmmmmm!

I hope that your V-day was great and remember, next Tuesday is MARDI GRAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Make sure to eat lots and have some booze, the good old New Orleans tradition. Me? You will find me saying goodbye to Evan (he flies out that day) eating po'boy sandwiches, red beans & rice, and perhaps some jambalaya or gumbo for dinner...oh, and don't forget the beignets from the mix my boss Swifty got for me when he went to New Orleans!!!

Cheers, y'all!!

Winter Gala (I promise this is the last of it!)

Winter Gala (more!)

Winter Gala

Big Love, Cold, Weird Dreams, Dance

So, Bree introduced me to the series "Big Love" that airs on HBO involving a man played by Bill Paxton and his THREE wives. It reminded me of the conversation I had with Catherine about monogamous relationships and how neither of us could deal with polygamy when it gets to a certain level of intimacy. It is beyond me that women, who can be quite possessive creatures, could share a husband. So, the story line of "Big Love" is quite foreign to me and it is interesting watching the families and wives interact.

It is also freezing cold here, though not as cold as it is in Ohio!, and walking back and forth to Longy from my house is no picnic. Plus, I think I am getting sick:o(.

Lately I have been remembering my dreams and they are quite bizarre. But they are weird in that way that you still want to remember them because they fascinate you.

Anyway, tomorrow is our "Masquerade Ball" at Longy and I am still trying to decide what to wear. I'll have to bring all my pretty clothes to art song rep. since it ends at 7 and the dance starts at 8. Even though I will only have the girls to dance with, and perhaps some random boys that are friends in relationships of their own, I hope to have a nice time...the free wine and beer could help too:o).

The Past

Tonight I went to an old journal that I kept at the end of my high school days and into college. Mostly, it was filled with poetry I had written and I am looking at my words and my old problems and seeing the person I become...stronger, but with some of the same haunting questions. Here are two of the poems I found particularly striking. Enjoy.

My selfish ways
create the boulders
I cannot climb...and who
can help me?
Fellowship is a mystical illusion
why have You forsaken me?
Where is my help?
My comfort?
My window?
I cannot fight this alone.
I only fumble to the ground
You help me get up
only to face what I wish not to see
What do I do now?
My world is a cave.
Where is my Shepard?
Where is the flock?

My knight in shining armor
my picture perfect jigsaw puzzle
which (I thought) I had all together
But the pieces didn't mesh
some were missing
some broken
some belonging to someone else's puzzle
I wanted it to be,
I love the idea more than the person
But I find myself lost
in selfish disillusion.
Maybe my eyes are lying
my heart always looking past the real
to the fiction
the sweet fiction from years past
from longing, from daydreams
What now?
I move to a new puzzle
is this the same?
I don't know what picture these pieces will make
Will it be grotesque?
or am I looking past the fiction
to the real, the fictional real
which is bitter sweet
in my calloused heart
that, with every beat,
becomes more confused.
Does he care?
Does he long for me, as I long
for my sweetheart
who never abused my gifts
except with shallow love,
the only love he knew
But the difference is just that
now there is love so rich
it dares not abuse my company
Does this one contain all the pieces
which will eternally capture
my heart, body, love
for as long as it is earth contained?

Mr. Potter, we meet again at last...

Okay, it is offical. On July 21,2007 the final installment of the Harry Potter series will be released and all of the waiting and questions will (hopefully) be ended. In my undergrad, I went to my 8 am class after watching "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"on opening night at 12:01 a.m. (getting to bed around 3:30 a.m.) and Professor Swearingen called me "Karen Potter" the rest of the class. Though, I was probably one of the most awake people in the class to be honest. So if that is any sign, in addition to me re-reading the books at least four times, then you will have no trouble to agree that I really enjoy the series. So, I am quite excited that the best month of the year will be filled with Harry, Hermione, Ron and their adventures. What a perfect birthday present to me! Thanks J.K. Rowling!!