and so it goes...
It is interesting what a song can do to a person. A melody that gets stuck in a person's head for an hour, a day, a week. And each song brings back different memories, doesn't it? For instance, every time I hear the song "If You Wanna Be Happy" by Jimmy Soul I think of Rachael, Susan and I driving to Susan's wedding. I'm taken to Hudson's Homecoming when I was a sophomore dancing with Jamie to Madonna's "Just like a Prayer" having lost our dates (and shoes) to dance by ourselves. Those are fun memories. But then there are those that are painful. Every time I hear "Total Eclipse of the Heart" I have to change the song. Silly, huh? But when I hear it I am suddenly sitting in a room full of people and having my heart wrenched out watching a youth group skit with someone I really cared about as the main person. Some memories are just weird. Every Shins song from "Chutes too Narrow" reminds me of playing Crono Cross. And some, like "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds & anything Nick Drake, are bittersweet.
This past year has been a weird one. I took a year off after my undergrad to find a teaching job and to make something of myself. With Evan overseas and not finding a full time position, I took all my emotions and burrowed them deep inside me. I look at 2005-2006 and think...what happened? Other than "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" which brings back Jen's message on my parent's phone (oye!) and Kenny Chesney's "Back Where I Come From" that reminds me of Brussels and Cindy, I have very little music memories. Because it was too hard to think and it was too hard to feel and it was too hard to release.
Now, I am a performance major. I am in a great city and going to a great school. But I am finding it so hard to get that emotion back into my being. Once it is held in so long, the walls are difficult to breech. I have been so blah for so long it just seems easier that way. When one doesn't feel happy, one doesn't feel sad. It's not that I am complaining. I feel like my experiences, all of them, have made me who I am today. I am a stronger person and able to deal with life. Maybe it is just that it is Saturday and I know I have to work through most of this weekend. Maybe it's that I can't hop into my car and drive and drive. Maybe it's the distance. Maybe it's that two of my good friend just had birthdays. And aren't those times for reflection?
This past year has been a weird one. I took a year off after my undergrad to find a teaching job and to make something of myself. With Evan overseas and not finding a full time position, I took all my emotions and burrowed them deep inside me. I look at 2005-2006 and think...what happened? Other than "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" which brings back Jen's message on my parent's phone (oye!) and Kenny Chesney's "Back Where I Come From" that reminds me of Brussels and Cindy, I have very little music memories. Because it was too hard to think and it was too hard to feel and it was too hard to release.
Now, I am a performance major. I am in a great city and going to a great school. But I am finding it so hard to get that emotion back into my being. Once it is held in so long, the walls are difficult to breech. I have been so blah for so long it just seems easier that way. When one doesn't feel happy, one doesn't feel sad. It's not that I am complaining. I feel like my experiences, all of them, have made me who I am today. I am a stronger person and able to deal with life. Maybe it is just that it is Saturday and I know I have to work through most of this weekend. Maybe it's that I can't hop into my car and drive and drive. Maybe it's the distance. Maybe it's that two of my good friend just had birthdays. And aren't those times for reflection?
posted by Karen | 9:17 AM
1 Comments:
Great self-reflection. I know exactly what you mean!
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