Wrinkled Hand/ Want vs. Need vs. Actual
I don't know when I began to notice that my parents were growing older. It kind of meshed together and one day I was looking at my mom's hand thinking "geeze, when did she get all those wrinkles?" It happens so slowly and yet so suddenly. I looked at my parents one day and realized that they were different, not my childhood picture of them at all. When did my dad start to look so tired and when did my mom decide to no longer dye her hair and let it be silver?
At the same time...when did I get so grown up? I look in the mirror and it is mostly the same. After all, I still look like I'm at least five years younger than my actual age (depending on my makeup and clothing choice). But it takes more to keep the weight off and I can't stay up as late and wake up going through the motions without it making an impact.
In many ways, life has done a 180 on me. Five years ago my greatest ambition was to be a teacher and married with the prospect of having children in my mid-twenties. I was quite the conservative protestant, against gay marriage, abortions, drinking and I rarely swore. If you know me, then you know a lot has changed...a whole lot. My Christian faith, though different, is still a big part of who I am. But, I would say I am definitely more liberal with my ideas now than I ever was. And while I still want to be married I don't know if I really want to have kids...at least not right away.
As a pensive person, I can see that my younger self had a lot of growing up to do before realizing what I would really be happy with. But am I really that wise now to see the difference between what I want versus what I need...and realizing what I will actually end up with? I am no longer a little girl that has her parents to rely on. Not that they don't help me and support me 100%, but they cannot look after me forever. And in the unsteadiness of relationships, I can't place all my happiness in one friend or guy. My happiness is dependent on decisions I make for me...now does it make sense that I am always questioning?
At the same time...when did I get so grown up? I look in the mirror and it is mostly the same. After all, I still look like I'm at least five years younger than my actual age (depending on my makeup and clothing choice). But it takes more to keep the weight off and I can't stay up as late and wake up going through the motions without it making an impact.
In many ways, life has done a 180 on me. Five years ago my greatest ambition was to be a teacher and married with the prospect of having children in my mid-twenties. I was quite the conservative protestant, against gay marriage, abortions, drinking and I rarely swore. If you know me, then you know a lot has changed...a whole lot. My Christian faith, though different, is still a big part of who I am. But, I would say I am definitely more liberal with my ideas now than I ever was. And while I still want to be married I don't know if I really want to have kids...at least not right away.
As a pensive person, I can see that my younger self had a lot of growing up to do before realizing what I would really be happy with. But am I really that wise now to see the difference between what I want versus what I need...and realizing what I will actually end up with? I am no longer a little girl that has her parents to rely on. Not that they don't help me and support me 100%, but they cannot look after me forever. And in the unsteadiness of relationships, I can't place all my happiness in one friend or guy. My happiness is dependent on decisions I make for me...now does it make sense that I am always questioning?
posted by Karen | 12:53 PM
1 Comments:
Heavy...I've felt the same at different periods in my life. Different realizations at different times. Things will always continue to change. That's what makes life interesting.
Post a Comment
<< Home